Like

I wish I could push a dislike button in my life when I start to like someone that doesn't like me. But I can't seem to and endlessly set myself up for failure.

It usually goes like this...I meet a great guy who loves Jesus...I begin to get interested in him...he talks about someone else he likes, who is nothing like me...I try to distance myself...but would like to have a friend...but the internal butterflies won't go away...I try to wish them away...then pray them away....then realize they won't go away....so I give into the fact that I will always have butterflies for this person and they will never return anything....then I just make myself numb and try to ignore him.

I will never find love, at least not the earthly kind....will I?

Life

For the last few years I've been struggling pretty hard with depressions. Later finding out it is linked to my thyroid problems.

There has been no end to the craziness. I'm currently tired all the time, on the verge of crying and easily angered. Along with trying to lose weight, which is nearly impossible when your thyroid doesn't work!

I'm asking for prayer! I can't do this alone, I have tried. So I ask that you take the time to plead to God on my behalf. For good rest, energy and my thyroid to respond to all the different meds the Dr. has me on!


Thanks

Finding God

God is doing something in my life right now. But I'm not sure what it is...........I feel like I'm in this great games of sardines with him right now. He is asking me to seek him, to follow him although it may be scary I need to trust him. He is waiting for me to get where he wants me next. Then he will show me what is next.

So for this season in my life I'm learning patience. Trying to find peace and gain a little understanding. Trying to push fear of the unknown out and let God take me where he wants me.

Lord I'm here use me where you want me!!

To Be Loved

I struggle daily with being single, I long to be married, have a family and be in that next step of my life.

I feel like I'm not pretty enough, likable or that anyone would ever choose to date me.

I want so badly to be loved. For someone to be excited to come home to me. I want to be a great wife, I want to support my family and extravagantly love them. I want to have a loving home, where everyone is welcome and people know that they want to have a marriage like the one my husband and I have.

I want to be wanted, I need to be needed. I hate coming home to emptiness, to loneliness.

When I think I have found someone, a man that loves Jesus, a man I can laugh with, a man I know I could unconditionally love. That man always sees me as just a friend. I want more!

I've made the mistake before of telling the guy how I feel, that has ended in disaster. Now I have elected to wait, not push my agenda. But I just don't think he sees me as more than a friend.

On several occasions I have been told that I would make someone a great wife, I would like to be a girlfriend first. Although I do want to be a wife, I think that God has wired me to be one. But I can't put the cart in front of the horse.

So this is what I say, if you are a man out there and you like a woman. Tell her, chances are she is waiting for you to. And if that is not the case at least you can now move on.

As far as for the women out there, find your confidence in who you are, search for happiness you will find it even if the road seems narrow and hard to travel. I know I am trying to locate that confidence and know that one day it could all happen.

I'm sleepy

I had a great weekend plus took yesterday of!!

Let's see friday I went to see Rob Bell on the drops like stars tour, I was taken by a great family that loves me lots!! It was really good to hear him speak, I'm not a huge Rob Bell fan. I like to see him as a man and not some idol to follow (I think that is biblical?). But he made some sick points. And has kicked me into action.

Then Saturday I had a meeting and a lot of other running around. To end up at the Boys and Girls club for their 7th and 8th grade winter formal. I was a chaperone, lets talk blast from the past. My 8th grade year was the one and only time in my life I asked a guy to slow dance that I liked. He did and it was so weird. All I could think of us all these teens with whacked out hormones trying to figure out the dating game! I'm 31 & I'm no where close to figuring it out!! It was so great to be there for my girls that I lead a Bible study with, they all looked so cute and really only cared about being together. So that was cool.

Sunday I woke up early and came to church, where we talked with the kids about committing their lives to Jesus. I feel that on all levels the kids soaked it up.

After church I hopped in my car and headed up to see friends in Hammond IN they had been there since friday so I caught a few of them as they were leaving and really only got to hug them. But it was good.

That night a few of us went to Jason's church and helped with there HS Christmas party, it was super fun. Which later lead into more friend time over stake and shake and a late night viewing of Julie and Julia.

The next morning Cassie Mo and I headed out to lunch with Jason and then went to school to give Jason's mom a gift for being so wonderful and keeping lots of us at her house for the weekend. Mama Siegfried is one of the great women on this earth and well she deserves more than we gave her!

Then Cassie and I went onto friend time in Hyde Park IL. I love that place!! We had coffee went to see Phil and then I took her to the airport.

I meet Phil for a late dinner and then headed to Hammond to meet my friend Matt. We hung out until 2am which then I headed home and fell asleep in my bed around 5:20am and woke up at 8am.

Wow long weekend!! But all worth it, my friends being me so much joy that I LOVE being around them!!

22.8

That is a lot, but my goal by the end of the year is just 1.2 more. That is my 10%!! This last week I lost 3lbs. I've been at the 1.2 a week loss for a while. So it was nice to see a bigger # and I have a little less then 3 weeks till the end of the year.

It is so nice to see loss, I think my goal is 170 as a final weight. I defiantly want to teach classes and help others in this journey. I look at people now that are trapped in what I have been in. The lack of self control and pain that I see in them, I was there and still carry it around. They need to find that will to get out, we all need to work hard to be free from bad choices. It could be food, fat, sex, pornography, whatever it is...it is sin. There is freedom from it!! There is FREEDOM! FREEDOM! You don't have to quit because you fail once. Instead fail and pick yourself back up the next day. The past is past and if God can forgive it, then you need to learn how to also! If you dwell in your past then you truly don't have any future.

Instead see each day as a choice, and choose what you want. You will find that if Christ is truly in you, then you want for good and not evil. Break those chains, you don't have to walk around with them on. You really don't even have to break them, because Jesus already unlocked them you are the one that is now holding them shut. Let Go!!

I feel far away!